I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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