its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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