Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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