I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
