I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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