i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
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hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.