i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
