we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
