Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
