3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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