literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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