I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
