I'm passing your future prison.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
