What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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