It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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