Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
