when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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