I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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