You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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