im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I need to stop coming to work sober
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
