my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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