i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
