piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
