a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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