Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
