textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
sex in a hospital.. check
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
