I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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