3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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