Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
