I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
