imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My ATM looks so different sober.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
