my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
