I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
