I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
