Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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