he puts the penis in happiness.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
