Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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