Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Pants are for mortals
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
