Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
