break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
