They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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