in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
