The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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