He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
