need another drink. this is the easiest way
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i wish my penis had a tongue
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
