Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
