How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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