i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
