now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
