I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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