Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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