i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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