y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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