I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This is classic penis vs brain.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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