We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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