Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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