well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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