Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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