Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
