Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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